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Stress in a Child s Life When we get nervous or upset, our bodies react to our feelings by doing various things. Sometimes people get headaches when they feel upset. Other people might get knots or butterflies in their stomach. Sometimes you get a lump in your throat or wobbly knees. Those body signs or body clues are telling you that you are nervous or upset. This passage, written by 10 + year old Lisa His, puts into words some of the things that can happen if you have stress in your life. (Saunders and Remsberg, 1984) When Lisa said those words, she may not have known she was talking about stress or that she was describing side effects of stress but she was.
Stress is a major part of all of our lives, including children s lives. Although we may not think of children as being stressed, they can be and it is something that all parents need be able to identify and deal with. Children may feel stress over different events or situations than adults; therefore it is very important to understand what stress is, the signs of stress in children, and ways to help children cope with stress. Hans See (1982) the pioneer of stress research defines stress as a stimulus event of sufficient severity to produce disequilibrium in the homeostatic physiological systems. Stress is any extra demand made on the body. It is a hormonal surge that enables us to flee or fight.
In fact, depending on the perceived danger or stress, our automatic nervous system release hormones causing chemical changes in our bodies. (Saunders and Remsberg) For example, when we are overcome with stress, our heart beats faster, breathing speeds up, and more blood flows to our brains. You get the same reaction whether the stress is positive or negative. Hans See calls this response the General Adaptation Syndrome. Indeed, if we don t learn to deal with stress it can develop into headaches, backaches, ulcers, and other ailments. Children live in the same stressful, complicated world and their bodies can have the same biochemical reaction to stress and develop some of the same side effects that stress causes in adults. (Saunders and Remsberg) Stress can be both positive and negative. Many times when we think about stress, it s hard to imagine how stress can be positive, especially for a child.
According to Alice Sterling Honig, author of Stress and Coping in Children, states that not all stresses are harmful. The struggle to learn to walk is a good example of how some stresses can be perceived as challenges that impel a child to strive toward more mature forms of behavior. (Honig, 1985) Even though some children may get anxious or nervous, this stressor is an important step in a child s life. Honig goes on to say that, Stress is difficult to research, partly because of the wide variety of stimuli that are potentially stressful, their differential intensity, duration, and the interactions of different stressors. There are also some negative stressors that may arise in a child s life. Death of a parent is perhaps the greatest stress a child must cope with.
Researchers have reported that loss of a parent creates profound reactions, including: denial, reversal of affect, identification with the parent, an intense attachment to the lost parent, fantasies of the parent s return, idealization of the parent, and a vindictive rage against the world. (Adams-Green &# 038; Moynihan, 1983) According to Reducing Stress in Young Children s Lives by Janet McCracken, The age and sex of the child at the time of a parent s death affect the intensity of stress. Research by the Institute of Medicine of the National Academy of Science indicates that girls under age 11 who lose their mothers and adolescent boys who lose their fathers are particularly at risk for enduring emotional problems all of their lives. (1984) Another negative stress that some children have to deal with is separation or divorce of their parents; indeed, these are devastating stress situations for children. According to Honig, Schools have reported higher rates of disrupted learning, erratic attendance, increased tardiness, school dropout, and social misbehavior's among children from divorced families. Walersten and Kelly carried out extensive clinical investigations of 131 children and parents from 60 middle class, mostly white divorcing families in California. Approximately one third of the children continued to experience overt parental discord even 5 years after the divorce.
Stress thus can be severe and even terrifying for children not only when parents fight prior to a divorce, but long after the marriage is dissolved. The final negative stressor I will discuss is an ecological stressor concerning housing and neighborhood. The living environments of some children seriously increase the risk of stress because of increased neighborhood crime; criminal and antisocial role models; and unaesthetic, dreary, or garbage-cluttered streets. (Honig, 1985) Some apartments are very crowded, so that the number of persons per room does not permit the privacy and play space children need. (Zuravin, 1985) In the United States, high household density seems to increase both the extents to which parents hit their children and the number of verbal quarrels. Child rearing stress is greater in high-rise apartment houses. Children s play is often restricted to the apartment interior, since parents fear accidents or crime if children are allowed outside on their own. This can create tensions, aggravate conflict among family members, and decrease neighborliness. (Becker, 1974) Stress begins to cause problems when there is a lack of ability to deal with it and the surrounding situations.
When children don t know any better or don t receive the amount of help needed, they may start trying to avoid stress. According to Helping Children Cope with Stress, by Avis Brenner, there are four broad categories that describe the most typical evasive actions: denial, regression, withdrawal, and impulsive acting out. Children that use denial act as though the cause of the stress does not exist. Denial serves to alleviate pain and thus can help children preserve their equilibrium. (Brenner, 1984) For example, if a child s parents are getting a divorce, they may not accept the fact that it is happening and be in a state of denial instead of trying to cope with the stress the situation is causing. If the parents don t realize the child is doing this, it could lead to greater problems down the road. When children act younger than their years and engage in earlier behaviors, they are using regression.
According to Brenner, they become dependent and demanding and as a result, they may receive more physical comforting and affection than usual, thus easing the existing stress. This, too, can cause problems later down the road when, for instance, the child is in school and the teacher doesn t approve of this behavior. Children may also use withdrawal when dealing with stress. They may seem to take themselves physically or mentally out of the picture; indeed, they may run away from the stressful environment or become quiet.
Brenner explains that They concentrate their attention on pets and inanimate objects or lose themselves in daydreams to escape mentally when they cannot escape physically. Impulsive acting out is another way children may shy away or deal with stress. Children act impulsively to avoid thinking either of the past or of the consequences of their current actions. Brenner says that they conceal their misery by making others angry at them. They may seek quick and easy ways to stop their pain and in the process they draw attention to themselves and find ways of momentarily easing their feelings of stress. One approach when dealing with children under stress is to remove at least one stressor in their lives.
Based on Rutter s (1979) research showing the effects of multiple stresses, it seems reasonable to expect that even a small improvement in the overall situation, like removing one stress or hassle can help children feel stronger and more able. According to The Stress-Proof Child, by Dr. Antoinette Saunders and Bonnie Remsberg, children are either characterized as being a vulnerable child or a capable child when it comes to dealing with stress. The children who deal best with stress are those who have self-confidence. Dr. Saunders explains what a child who is able to cope looks like and acts.
She states, In my experience, he stands straight, looks you in the eye, and talks confidently and honestly about what he is doing. A calm, confident child shows genuine interest in what other people are doing. Other signs of a capable coping child are that they are energetic and spontaneous, soft, sensitive, and responsive to other people. They also enjoy humor and are responsible.
When a crisis does occur, they are reflective and helpful. There is a peacefulness about these children. When you are with them, you feel calm and proud, says Dr. Saunders. A capable child also seems to have a sense of direction, has goals and ambitions, seeks help when he needs it, and owns up to his mistakes rather than blaming them on others. A vulnerable child, on the other hand, one that won t be able to cope with stress has tale tell signs that parents can look for.
A vulnerable child may be overly sensitive or shy. He may also be moody, irritable, withdrawn, or seem preoccupied. A lot of times, a child who isn t very capable of coping may be in constant need or reassurance and may even be frequently sick without organic cause. Other characteristics of a vulnerable child is they may be stubborn, easily angered, impatient, impulsive, overactive, and have a resistance to being touched or hugged. They may also have problems going to sleep at night, demonstrate poor eye contact, and have frequent severe nightmares.
If a child has more of the characteristics explained for vulnerability, then they may not only be overwhelmed with stress, but won t have a clue how to deal or cope with it. (Saunders and Remsberg, 1984) Children who feel emotionally isolated, lack support to face challenges don t handle stress well. Indeed, children need help and certain tools when dealing with stress. Coping always involves both mental and or physical action. (Saunders and Remsberg, 1984) Children need a safe and confirming atmosphere; indeed, this is essential to give children the sense that they can cope. You must give children the skills and support to deal with whatever happens to them and convince them that they have those skills necessary to cope. Children must be able to feel confident, walk straight and tall, and look life in the eye. One way to do this is to help improve children s social skills.
Parents should focus on positive discipline techniques and encourage children to participate in small groups at first to get used to the interaction. Parents should also enhance children s self esteem, provide clear rules with reasons and model warm, nurturing attentiveness. Dr. Saunders explains that, We also validate our children by giving them the feeling that, at any given moment, they are doing all right, and that even though they are less than perfect, they re still acceptable, lovable people. She goes on to say that, another vital part of validating children is by listening to them.
More than anything, it lets them know how important they are and that what they have to say is important. It lets them know they are important to us. Children are grateful when given nonjudgmental, noncritical coaching, because they really are anxious to be listened to and validated. After working on validating the children, it is important to build an atmosphere of security.
Dr. Saunders explains how children are constantly looking for limits, They look for consistency because it means that whomever they depend on is putting energy and effort and love into caring for them. When you are consistent, you are saying to them that taking care of them is important to you, that they are important to you. (Saunders and Remsberg, 1984) Honesty and openness are also necessary components of security. A lot of times parents will try and hide things from their children to protect them. For example, sometimes parents will try and cover up the fact that there may be marital problems in the family.
Children know when things aren t right though, they may not be able to express it or fully understand all aspects of certain situations, but they know when something is wrong. When parents try to protect the child from the truth, the discrepancy between what they experience going on and what they are told is going on frightens them. (Saunders and Remsberg, 1984) This can even make the child suspicious about the adults who take care of them. Talking with children about such events is better than avoiding them. If children feel that parents are being honest with them, and that they are doing the best that they and trying to make the right choices, that is what the child needs to know. This knowledge calms them down and makes them feel good about themselves and their environment. Once you have set the tone for your children by validating them and making them feel secure, then they have the tools and the reassurance that they can deal with anything that comes along.
Children who cope effectively have had the experience of successfully facing and conquering stress; indeed, they have a sense of being competent. They see themselves as worthwhile and valuable people. They are optimistic about their ability to survive whatever life brings. (Brenner, 1984) Stress is inevitable; whether it is positive or negative, parents need to be able to identify the signs of stress and ensure that they and their children know how to cope with it whenever it arises.
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