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Dear Britney, Omigod, oligo, oligo. Oh. My. God. Got your new album. Love it!
Seriously, it just rawwwwwks, you know? After your first one, I was like, no way she can top this. Ever, ever, ever. No way. WELL, WAY! ? Oops...
I Did It Again? is sooo amazing. Where do I begin? I love how the album is basically the same beat, the whole way through.
You could Tae Bo to this thing and never miss a punch. On most albums, the beats are all mixed up? slow song, fast song, mid-tempo song. It?
s confusing! With? Oops? it? s like your drum machine got stuck or something, but in a cool way. And the album sounds a lot like your first one, ?
Baby One More Time, ? so there? s nothing tricky to learn. And you look boo on the cover. You were so right to drop that whole Catholic-school slut thing you had working on your debut. Don?
t get me wrong, it was really cool and sooo many kids totally ripped it off and everything. I bet you scandalized a lot of nuns. You go, girl! SPINNING AND DANCING But this new look is excellent.
Are those leopard-skin pants you? re wearing in the promo shot? And how about that slinky suede vest with the brass buckles. Want one! Even better is that latex red jumpsuit from your new video, the one where you, like, spin through space and dance around and flirt with an astronaut. I love how they play it all the time on MTV.
It? s like, I WANT MY BRITNEY TV! Even your album title is cool. And gutsy. I mean, there are going to be sooo many smarty-pants out there saying stuff like, ? Yeah, she did it again.
She put out another stinky album! ? Or people will call it? Britney? s Second Boo Boo, ?
or some other dumb joke. Ignore them. You? re an artist! This album is totally going to debut at No. 1 this week, knocking that? N Sync?
s? No Strings Attached? right off its perch. And it? ll do that because of the music. People forget that about you.
Oh, they say, she? s a ditz. She? s a Mouseketeer.
She lip-syncs in concert. She stole her moves from Janet Jackson. Even her breasts are fake. (As if! ) BETTER THAN ABBA Well, wait till they get a load of? Oops. ?
The title track, and first single, is great. The chorus sounds exactly like Abba doing an aerobics video. Hey, they can? t sue you, right?
I mean Abba is from like Sweden or something, so they probably don? t even have lawyers in this country. And they? re old, those guys, so they probably won?
t even hear this song. Even if they sue, big whup. Your? re way better than Abba. Your voice is all moaning and stuff, and the music sounds like it came right out of a machine. (Are there any live musicians on this album?
Message me. ) Lyrics-wise, some guy thinks you? re more than friends and you? re like NOT! ? It might seem like a crush, but it doesn? t mean that I? m serious, ?
you sing. And you make it rhyme. You rhyme? crush?
and? serious. ? Not many singers can do that! And you cover the Rolling Stones? ? (I Can? t Get No) Satisfaction. ? That took nerve.
Friends must have been, like, ? Oh Britney, maybe you should stay away from one of the greatest songs in rock history. People will laugh at you. ? You?
re like, Whatever! And your version is way better than the Stones? because you can dance to it, you know? And it doesn? t have that annoying guitar riff that just keeps repeating, over and over.
Instead, the beat is kind of like Michael Jackson? s? Billie Jean. ? Things get even better with?
Don? t Let Me Be the Last to Know, ? which was co-written by Shania Twain. The country queen of bare midriff helps the teen queen of bare midriff? can you say?
genius? ? And the song is totally different from everything else on the record, because because? LUCKY? Omigod, there? s so much more. On?
Lucky? you sing about a miserable child star who? s beloved by everyone, but bawls her eyes out, wondering? If there?
s nothing missing in my life/ Then why do these tears come at night? ? Is it about you? Who knows? The key is that people will ask! The whole album is so edgy. Because you?
re 18 years old now, and singing lines like? I? m not that innocent, ? and wearing all those skintight bustiers and stuff. And then you? re quoted in magazines saying how icky it is that men fantasize about you, how that sort of freaks you out and everything.
It? s perfect. You come on all half-naked and barely legal, and the next moment you? re like, ?
Perverts! ? The virgin-hussy thing. It? s awesome and nobody does it like you. Run with it. Don?
t change it. And when you record album number three, just do it again.
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