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... e's own self talk and detoxify it are among the important suggestions offered for marital harmony. In an interesting related concept, it is revealed that when a marriage counselor listens in therapy as a couple talks to and about each other, there are some specific signs that the relationship is more than likely to be headed for a dissolution than reconciliation. Among those are included: harsh criticism of the partner, character assassination, contemptuous statements or behaviors, behaviors or verbal patterns indicating disgust, and evidence that either partner is taking either an innocent victim stance or a stance of righteous indignation (134). Although that concept perhaps fits better with our text's Chapter Eight, on relationships, it applies to the idea of effective listening as well. Criticism, both giving it and responding to it, is a focus of Chapter Nine in our text.
Goleman says of an important study that was done that, "Inept criticism was ahead of mistrust, personality struggles and disputes over power and pay as a reason for job conflict" (152). He goes on to explain that the concept of feedback, once a term for the reporting mechanism of a mechanical system, has come to also have a meaning in human relationships, but that like its counterpart in mechanical systems, feedback involving humans must have a means of being decoded and accepted in order to be useful. In Chapter Ten of our text, we consider many factors in dealing more successfully with conflict. Goleman quotes a teacher of emotional intelligence in her inner city New Haven, Connecticut classroom as saying, "What escalates to conflict begins with not communicating, making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, and sending a 'hard message that is difficult for others to hear" (270).
That statement, one of the more blatantly connected to the concept of communication competencies, is a close parallel with the ideas presented in our text. In some respects, emotional incompetency may be a quirk of evolution. Our capacity to generate and respond to emotional states seems to have been neurally programmed into us, and not all of the responses work very well when we face today s issues. The "fight or flight" response and adrenaline surges exhibited in answer to a threat, for example, may have served us far better in antiquity than they do in modem times (Goleman 23). Furthermore, although neither the course text nor the Goleman book address the theory, it may be worth considering that our tendency to avoid someone that is behaving in a socially unacceptable fashion may stem from adaptive behavior; the caveman that hung around with a lunatic was far more vulnerable to environmental punishment than the one who acted in a fashion that was normal for his culture. It would make someone in the dawning of civilization very unlikely to receive other than ostracization for their weird behaviors - not a viable response in today's more advanced and crowded world.
Though our text doesn't specifically address the issue of teaching children to be emotionally smart and good communicators, that issue, brought forth in great detail by Goleman, is one of personal importance to me and significant global importance as well. We are often shocked and dismayed by the emotional dysfunctional ability exhibited by today's children. Children are killing themselves and killing others in record and horrifying numbers, and at a minimum often seem unfocused, lacking in compassion, and achieving at a level far below what might be reasonably expected of them, Goleman outline five standards by which to measure emotional competency in children: possessing emotional self awareness, facility with managing emotions, efficiency in harnessing emotions productively, exhibiting empathy, and successfully handling relationships (283). The consequences of failing to achieve a nominal or better level of emotional competency can be grave enough - Goleman points out that such children are far more likely than others to suffer from withdrawal and social problems, being anxious and depressed, having attention and thinking problems, and being delinquent or aggressive (233). But Goleman goes on to warn that this is merely the tip of the iceberg; many of today's dysfunctional children, boys especially, will become violent, antisocial misfits in the future as they reach the age of late adolescence and early adulthood, typically times of hormone-driven "acting out" behaviors (235). Girls are not immune from the effects of emotional illiteracy; Goleman cites a study that indicates that 40 % of adolescent girls who are assessed as "bad" (getting in trouble with teachers and breaking rules) are or have been pregnant by the time they leave high school (237).
But such a result need not be the case, Goldman feels, because while there seems to be a possibly inherited biochemical basis for some of the roots of dysfunction in children (extreme shyness, for example) appropriate learning opportunities in earliest childhood, and / or later remediation can make an enormous difference in a child's emotional intelligence. Parents need to learn that there are specific parenting styles that are most likely to result in a child's emotional incompetence: ignoring the child's feelings all together, being too laissez-faire or having no standards, and being contemptuous of their children or showing no respect (191). At school, programs that teach socially-at-risk children to communicate better and negotiate and resolve conflicts are critical if those skills have not been learned up to that point. We may, in fact, worry too much about our children's math skills when if they are not alive to utilize the skills ("worst case scenario" consequence of emotional dysfunction), such mastery is irrelevant (231).
Elementary school children have been shown to have the ability to easily comprehend and internalize coaching that fosters emotional competency. The same curriculum that was once felt to be useful and approachable by college students is now seen by some to be critical for today's preadolescent's (271). Indeed, a child (or at least a boy) who has mastered the ability to simply delay gratification seems to be at a striking advantage as he or she goes through life. Goleman tells us of research that was conducted tracing four year old boys into adulthood after having determined their ability to delay gratification, to wait a few minutes for the interviewer to return from an errand and get two marshmallows, or have one at the time the interviewer offered them.
There is, it turns out, a clear and persistent correlation between the boys success at delaying gratification at four and social competence, personal effectiveness, assertiveness, and ability to cope with stress as adolescents. As high school graduates, they were overwhelmingly more academically successful, and scored on average 210 points higher on their SAT tests (SI). In conclusion, it may be said that emotional intelligence is in essence little more than proficiency with the social arts, which may be seen as the capacity to communicate emotion purposefully, effectively and appropriately. With rare exceptions, good communicators possess a fair degree of emotional intelligence. Our study of the process and the mechanics of communication must, in order for the entire picture to be presented, include a focus on the ability to maintain an informative internal dialog as well as one with our external world. But that internal dialog is far from enough to deliver the emotional intelligence we need; the communication loop must be connected to the external world at the same time.
It is, I think, the ability to manage those two processes simultaneously and effectively that will give us our best opportunities for success and personal satisfaction. Goleman brilliantly illuminates the emotion side of that coin while our text helps us through the challenging process of exploring the contours of the communication side. Works Cited Adler, Ronald B and Towne, Neil. Looking Out/Looking In. 9 th ed. Ft. Worth: Holt, Rhinehart and Winston, 1999.
Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence... New York: Bantam, 1997.
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Research essay sample on Analysis Of Emotional Intelligence By Daniel Goleman
