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Over the course of a brief, yet eternally long summer, I ceased to be a child. The culmination of years worth of bickering and a marriage teetering precariously on the rocks became one single, two syllable word which I associate with my own personal apocalypse: divorce. Forced to pick up the pieces of my shattered reality, my simple 15 -year-old mind was morphed into a whole new existence. Slowly it evolved, but it was emotionally hindered. The main emotion that illuminated in my mind was the deeply frustrating one called uncertainty. Over the first few days it took my father to pack up his whole life after the age of thirty and ship out, it was all that I could think about.
Although I thought I would be prepared for that fateful early summer day by previous pseudo break-ups, nothing could prepare me for the floodgate of emotional turmoil that opened up and poured out all over me. Saturated to the core, I was devastated. The next few weeks were an eventful haze. Occupied by innumerable verbal barrages of pure passion between my parents and the uncomfortable chats about how "everything will be alright, " I felt more alone than anyone should dare feel. More and more I boarded myself up within myself, seeking the comfort of my own aloneness and never letting anyone share the grief of the death of my childhood. The more I thought, the more I missed my previous naivet and simple existence, which I had lost forever.
The chaos that was my mind continued to swirl on its own trajectory, never resting. My dad picked up 15 years of his life and left all that I had known of him to my memories. I was slowly recovering from the intense shock of my situation and of my death; the only medicine was the ever-powerful experience. My days were spent all alone as my mother was working, my father nowhere to be found and my older sister no longer living with us. My little brother could do nothing to comfort me; he was drowning in his own existence. Each passing day filled me with more and more emotional turmoil and I was about to burst.
Well, that happened a little while later. Dad came back to talk to me a few weeks later just as I was finally starting to heal. Quickly my wounds were ravaged once more by his words. Who knew talking was going to hurt this much? Basically he said he was sorry and that he was going to make everything better, but his empty promises only crushed me further. Now I knew they would never get back together, the secret hope of mine.
After he left, the first tear rolled down my cheek. That lone tear represented my whole childhood being lowered 6 feet into the ground to be buried and never seen again. It was the miscarriage of my previous reality, with my mind and perception rejecting it once more. More than ever before I turned within myself.
Weeks passed with repetitious day of video games, one-on-one basketball games and the occasional baseball game of my worst season. Playstation became the alcohol that I drowned myself in and I engorged in its reality. I tried to siphon out the makeshift reality of the hero or the sports celebrity into my own, but I never seemed to incorporate it entirely. Bits and pieces of the fantastic digital world floated around in my mind and I loved the attention. My mom was too busy and I was far too hurt to let her attention influence me. While my relationships in video games and the extravagant romances of my mind soared, my relationships with actual people were floundering.
I didnt call up one friend that entire surreal summer and mostly stayed in the castle of my room and my passport to anywhere else but actuality which was my childs imagination. Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. I thought some more but the answers to all my questions remained unanswered. My adolescence was just starting up and it came with innumerable unanswerable questions. Puberty and teen angst had their stranglehold on my life and divorce had its hands on my mind. These hands massaged and let me become a wiser person, but its magic touch came with a price: too much thinking.
I had not yet buried my childhood because I missed it so and I thought I could never ever let it slip away.
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