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On my way back from The Fallen Angels Satan Club Meeting I looked in my mailbox and I got a letter. It said, "Dear Cereal, Why are you so ugly? I have to go. Be a good orphan. Goodbye. Love, Mrs.
Mommy. " I wondered who had written that letter. After about 20 minutes of standing in front of my mailbox, I realized it was my mom. My mom had written the letter to me. My mom. She was the one. She had written the letter.
Mrs. Mommy was my mommy. A single tear rolled down my cheek. I realized that I couldnt live with Regina anymore.
My severe sadness is just making her sadder and sadder. I can't see her that sad. I decided to move out on my own. I couldn't find a place to live though. No one wants to sell an apartment to an ugly depressed boy. Oh woe is me!
I feel like every hair on my head was being ripped out one by one. Then I realized the reason I felt that way was because my hands were ripping out my hairs one by one. Later on, I went to the mall to buy a wig. When I went in, everyone was staring at me. Probably because I was bald.
I went to the wigs store. But it wasnt open. Oh no. I realized the reason it wasn't open was because it was very late and nothing was open except for the sporting goods store. I recalled an episode of Saved By the Bell, and I decided to go in the tent in the sporting good store. I stayed up really late wishing Kelly Kapowski would come in the tent.
But then I realized that I'm a loser, and no one likes me. Oh my medication! Where are you? I need you so! My blood pulsed through my veins rapidly. It felt like a million tiny knives stabbing me.
In the morning I got a letter from the mailman. He opened up the tent and said, "Here, this is for you!" I said, "Me?" and he said "Yes. " So I assumed it was for me. It was a letter from Regina! How did she know where I lived? Before I could think about it, I realized that I was so depressed and that I couldn't take it anymore and I needed drugs.
Then I forgot what I was thinking about and I opened the letter. It said. "Dear Cereal, you mean so much to me. You are especially special! I miss you.
Here is a picture of me to keep you company. Don't I remind you of Kelly Kapowski from Saved By the Bell? Love, Regina" I looked at the picture. I didn't know what to think of it.
This morning when I woke up in my tent, there was a boy / girl sleeping in the tent. It was Zach Morris or Kelly Kapowski! Then he / she woke up and I took a closer look at him / her . It wasn't Zack Morris or even my beloved Kelly Kapowski.
It wasn't even Screech, or Jessie, or even Mr. Belding. When I thought of Mr. Belding it made me laugh, because I thought 'Mr.
BAlding' That is funny. Where my drugs at? It wasn't Mr. Belding or any of the Saved By the Bell gang. I said, "You look familiar! Are you Bobby Budnick from the hit Nickelodeon show, Salute Your Shorts?" He said no, but that he did attend Camp Anawana.
He told me his / her name was Kent Adams and he / she lived on a subway and was infact a he she. I am definitely frightened now I started to hyperventilate and I ran away... "Kent Adams, Kent Adams! ! That sounds familiar? Do you know Regina Phalange?" I asked. He said he didn't. But I knew he did.
I asked him for drugs. He said he ran out. Then I asked what he / she was doing in my tent. He / she said that the guy from Macys kicked him out.
This confused me, but I didn't ask any questions because I didn't want to get in trouble with Ug. Kent and I left the sporting goods store and went to the movie area. I wanted to see Crossroads because of my love for Britney. "She makes me physically ill, he / she said. But, I said, "Ok, let's compromise.
We " ll see Crossroads instead. " I thought this was weird, because there was no compromise, but again I didn't want to get in trouble with Ug. Then I thought to myself, who the hell is Ug? What are these drugs doing to me? We realized we only had enough money to buy one ticket. The rest of it we needed for Prozac.
And, I was still scared of this weirdo and the fact he / she was a was in fact a he she! ? After the movie, Kent and I walked around the mall. I wanted to go back to the tent because I was scared of Kent. I realized Kent and tent rhyme. Then I told him / her that. He / she didn't think it was funny, but I did.
After awhile I realized how late it was. All of a sudden some mall police spotted us and started chasing us down! I got really scared. What would Zach Morris do in this situation?
What would he do? I spotted a bridal shop that just so happened to have left their door open! So we ducked in, and I quickly put on the tux in the front showcase, and he put on the wedding dress (I was indeed scared of this he she, why wouldn't he / she go away? ). We got in the clothes just as the police ran by. We started fighting and when more police ran by we had to freeze in the fighting positions we were in.
It was really funny. Then we stood there for a while and the lights shut off. I felt something on my leg. "Is that you Kelly?" Stupid Prozac. It wasn't Kelly. It wasn't pro KELLY either. It was a dog!
I kicked it. I told the dog to take me home. I mean take me tent. I mean take me to the tent.
When I was tent, I couldn't believe my eyes! It was Cleothera Swenson from Price Chopper! Wait... no. from that commercial... AHH!
Cleothera! Oh Cleothera! Captain of the girl's wrestling team, Abercrombie model... what a bitch!
You made my life a living hell. You drove me to this depression. Why, Cleothera, why? You teased me relentlessly. I realized I wasn't saying any of this out loud, and that I was saving it all in my head. "I love you Cereal!" she shouted. "What about me?" said Kelly in my head? What about Kelly Kapowski?
Who to choose! Then I realized how simple it was. Kelly rhymed with tent. Cleothera didn't. That was easy! I told Cleothera that I chose Kelly.
Kent didn't seem to understand so I told Kent that I chose Kelly. Cleothera started beating Kent up! Why? I don't know...
Luckily, Regina Phalange came and broke up the fight with her massive muscles, at least thats what she calls them, and they look more like fat. As soon as she broke up the fight, she left, without even saying hi. It was weird! Kent told me that he had to go to Mr. Greydicks house. So I decided to go to the wigs store.
I would finally have some hair! And, I thought to myself who was Mr. Greydick? And, why was his name so... ewe! When I got to the wig store I remembered Kelly doesn't rhyme with tent... ?
This morning some guy opened my tent and said, "What the mother crap is going on here? ! ? !" It was Zach Morris! I asked him why he was scaring me like this, and I told him I was a big fan of his work, and then I asked him for an autograph. He said he wasn't Zach Morris, and was a ball-stocker at the sporting goods store, but he would be much obliged to give me an autograph. I said, "Screw you! I need to buy a wig!" Before he could get out his pen, I had already bolted out the door.
I high-find myself, and then I saw Kent! We went to Wigs R Us. I tried on a lot of wigs, but I couldn't find just the one I wanted... but Kent sure did! ! ! ! !
He found the coolest wig! I wanted to get the coolest wig. But I wanted it to look real. Regina has a wig, and it looks so fake, can't you tell? So Kent helped me pick out a wig.
It's really cool! I went to the pet store today. I took out a puppy to play with, and then Kent said to put it under my shirt and walk out. So I did.
When I walked out, the trashy pet store lady was like "Wuz zat under yo shirt?" I told her it was my baby! Then she says, "What it wiggling round like dat?" I told her it was kicking, and I asked her if she wanted to feel. She touched my shirt, and the puppy was wiggling around violently but she didn't seem to notice! I took the puppy to my tent and it peed all over the tent.
I was so mad, because all of my notes and pictures of Regina had dog urine all over them! I named him Spanky Spanksalot. Then Kent and I went to the doctors office to get more Prozac. The doctor asked what my name was and I said Cereal. She asked what my last name was, and I just stared at her.
She asked again. "Is it Killer?" she asked. "No, I can't say!" I said. Finally after an hour of staring, I told her. It was Bowl. When I woke up this morning, I realized that Spanky Spanksalot had a bladder control problem, because my wig was all-soggy. So, until I could get it cleaned, I decided to get a new one. I recalled and episode of The Brady Bunch, so I picked one that would make me look like T...
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Research essay sample on One By One Sporting Goods