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... ld feel privileged that I have selected him to be my chosen one. No one must have him except me. I will get his phone number from his cousin if he does not show up. Tonight will not pass without my arms around his gentle body. GRIEVING CHILD I did not want to go, but my mother thought it would help me.
She thought it would help me get over my fathers death. I was scared to tell her the truth. How I was scared of him and the way he looked at me. I did not want him to touch me this time. I hated how he smelled. Why must I go, if I stop seeing him will I grow up abnormal? .
I will walk in late and sit in the back and perhaps he will not notice. Nervously, I walked in and he immediately spotted me. He interrupted the service and called out my name, and thought I now am trapped. I embarrassingly walk up to him, while the congregation gazed at me. He announced me to the congregation as his little helper. While everyone applauded, he gave me my prescription of hugs and a kiss on my neck.
I became his third alter boy by default. His power over me was frightening. His power over me was hypnotic, and I was at his beckon call. I did not want the service to end because I feared what would transpire after his grand performance on stage. He watched my every move with his bloodcurdling eyes and would give me a smile when I glanced at him.
After the mass he would wait until everyone left and would walk outside with me. The church was empty and alone. I found myself trapped by the priest. He would paralyze me with his words, making it difficult to leave. He insisted that he accompany me to outside despite my assuring him that I would be fine. He stated, I would not want my prized boy getting into any trouble.
As I walked out with him, I looked up into the sky and noticed the moon and stars. I wanted so badly to have my father come down from the heavens and take this man away and to grab him only to drop him into the middle of the ocean. I wanted a set of wings so I could fly to heaven and be with my dad who left me a couple of years ago. I wanted to hold hands with my dad in a forest, listening to the soft sounds of nature. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. As we walked outside the night winds arrived transforming the priest into a beast.
His heartbeat would race and blood would rush as if he were a vampire on hunt, thirsty for fresh blood. He was hungry. And behold in front of him was his feast. It was as if he turned into an adolescent himself, where his entire body yearns to explore another's sexual being. He had no boundaries. He concealed his vows in a locked drawer in his heart where no one would break his secret.
At times he would fret at the thought of being caught, but his ego prevented him from stopping his ravenous hunt. He would sweat profusely knowing what he was doing was wrong. He would find himself losing control because the lure was too strong. He would lean against me on his car and mark me with kisses. I felt his body press upon mine. I could hear his breathing become more intense.
I stood frozen and succumbed to this beasts desires. He began to lick my neck as if I was sugar coated, a lolly-pop. He kissed me and asked if he could bring me to his castle. I was trembling and said, not tonight. I did not want to disrespect him but I was afraid of the cage. He would whisper in my ear, I will love you even more tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and in his castle he would again lock his vows in his drawer and begin the ritual of sexual experimentation. I stood lifeless while he feasted upon my body. I was only thirteen. He was a hungry beast that fed on my innocence. He enjoyed watching me as I developed into a young man. He would fondle my private parts and steal from my virtue.
He would wash me after racquetball while smiling, ignoring my tears. He protected his prey by isolating them from others. He trusted no body with me so he kept me captive in his cage. I was his special boy. I was left hungry for fatherly affection after my father died, so he kept me in a cage and fed me with kind words and praises. He chased away anyone who threatened our bond in fear that he would lose me.
He alone held the key to the cage. I often tried to escape but feared the consequences. He was a monster with potent power that could destroy anything he touched. He had fangs that would draw the blood from my heart and drain my soul. He also had a large group of allies who would certainly spot me and bring me back to his majesty. They knew nothing about what lied inside of the castle.
His paws scared me. I would shiver when he explored my body with them. As he explored my body I would freeze and fly away somewhere peaceful in the sky over the ocean. He would whisper in my ear that he loved me and that I needed a mans love to grow up normal. The beast would lie on top of me, telling me it was normal and o. k.
I thought to myself that this was all part of the healing process and added by his wishes. When I cried he would say, This is why you need more of this. Sometimes I tried to break away but his control over me was too strong. His breath stunk with lies. His muscles gleamed with self-righteousness. His sweat was filled with a stench of treachery.
He would smother me with kisses as if he were preparing a sacrificial rite of passage. I would freeze and allow it to happen giving up the essence of my heart and soul. As I said before, he was the hungry beast, and I was his fare. After his feeding, when he was sated, he would bring me to the cage and lock me in for protection. I was wary of his feedings of me.
Confused, I would stand on my perch and think is it my fault? Am I the one thats making him hungry? I feel dirty. No one must find out about this. He would walk away leaving me with memories of my day with the beast.
I always feared for tomorrow. I was no longer a child he took that way from me. Not a day went by when I did not fear his presence over me. Sometimes I would hide under my covers and dream of a world outside the cage, without the beast.
As I grew older I began to realize that I was too big for the cage. The world around me exposed me to realities of life that the beast had kept from me. The beast could no longer lock me in with a key, and he could only no longer trust my allegiance to him. However, as a free bird, I came to realize that the world was a lot bigger and the beast was a lot smaller. I knew I had to break away from the priest and become my own person.
I was frightened because for many years the beast had conditioned me to think that the outside world was a bad place and that living in his cage would guarantee peace and solitude. Keeping me from feeling emotions that all humans must experience was his goal. But the cage was purely a trap preventing me from experiencing the real world for good and for bad. Out of the cage I learned that sex was not a sin or ugly but rather a pleasurable act between two consenting people. When I began to have sex in college the beast scolded me and told me I was sinning. He must have rationalized the sex he had with me as normal behavior.
The priest was ruined when he finally came to the realization that he lost his pet. He became extremely jealous and desperate. He panicked and would try to entice me by offering his niece up as a potential date for me. I wanted nothing to do with it.
Despite my liberation I was left with profound scars from years of imprisonment. The sexual and emotional torture I endured throughout the years left me with an empty soul and bleeding heart. This one man had done so much harm that I was not prepared as my peers to face the realities of this world. He blocked my access to God, corrupted my deepest belief system, tarnished my faith, mottled my trusted for others, and made it difficult for me to be intimate with others.
I also developed poor self -image, low self -esteem, identity confusion, sexual confusion, early onset of depression with suicidal ideation, strong sense of guilt and shame over the experience, obsessive and compulsive rumination over the abuse and reoccurring flashbacks. I was hospitalized twice to treat these symptoms of abuse but remain hopeful one day Ill be ridden my scars. FUTURE The only way to keep these beasts from ruining our childrens lives is to report them to church authorities and to tell your story to the public. My predator murdered my childhood, but I now have control over my own adulthood. No beast could take that away from me.
The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priest (SNAP) made it possible for me to come out to the public. I stood in front of the press not as a victim but as a survivor. I told my story and spoke his name, and I am now a free man. My heart and soul feel liberated that I have spoken the truth and have no secrets. My bitterness and anger has subsided and has transcended into a yearning to help others face their beasts. I am no longer under his spell.
He now wears the scarlet letter, and I hope he uses this time to reflect on truth and self -examination around his secret life of abuse, betrayal and sin. As we all know these beasts run their own show. The church must do a better job with their investigation of these independent beasts. If not, more horror will occur, beasts will run wild and the last act will show victims failing to regain their lives and suffering their emotional, spiritual and financial loses.
The church cannot afford any more bad reviews. What is needed now is a smash hit where the beasts are held accountable, victims are cared for, supported, and compensated for losses. The church should never ever again play the ugly role of the keeper of secrets. The real heroes are those empowered by reality to clean up the current stage and refresh itself with the church's new and improved image of honesty and trust...
Lastly, I regret haven fallen into the beasts trap so early in life and remain troubled by how closely he remains protected under the powerful yet shameful wings of the Church's hierarchy. Raised as a devote Catholic, who attended Catholic school through my Masters of Arts, I am often reminded of a Bible story read to me by my fourth grade religion teacher. She would describe so tenderly how Jesus gathered his flock of lambs and made certain no one was left behind, especially those in pain and suffering. As a child I was comforted by her words.
As an adult, however, I have come to a sad realization that the Church's hierarchy does not call out to its lost and suffering lambs but instead silences them. For me SNAP helped to break the silence.
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Research essay sample on Explored My Body Whisper In My Ear Beast
