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Do you ever Survival SURVIVAL Do you ever survive the effects of divorce? If you have experienced divorce, or knew someone that has, this is a question you will ask yourself. Ron and Lilly were married for fifteen years and during the course of their marriage had three children ages 8, 10 and 12. Ron worked as a private attorney in a solo practice and Lilly worked in the home as a homemaker. Although Lilly worked in the home, she had a Bachelors degree in early childhood development. She had always wanted to work outside of the home, but she and Ron felt that it was more important to care for the children full time.
When her husband announced that he was leaving, she wasnt surprised that he didnt care for her the same way he did when they first met, but she never dreamed he would leave her and the children. Ron packed his things the next day while the children were in school. The children were not informed their parents were separating and one day would divorce. Lilly was left alone to deal with the emotional upheaval this would cause the children. When the children returned from school, they sensed immediately something was wrong.
They knew their parents were not getting along and that their father was spending less time at home, however they never thought this would happen. When their mother told them that their father would not be living at home and that nothing else in their life would change, the children looked with disbelief. The children started to cry, and Lilly as best as she could, tried to console them. The lives of this family would never be the same.
Ron never discussed with Lilly how the finances would be handled, or how much money she would need for her and the children to live on. Because Lilly never worked outside of the home, Ron was now having to manage two homes on one income. The children attended private school and were in several after school programs that were very costly. The money Ron gave Lilly and the children, was not enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, car note, food, clothes and the daily expenses for the children.
Ron and Lilly's divorce caused severe financial and emotional instability on everyone. Lilly and the children had to sell the home they lived in because they could not afford the financial cost, or the upkeep that was needed to maintain the home. Lilly and the children bought a much smaller home, in a not so great neighborhood. Because of the move and lack of finances, the children had to attend public school and make new friends. The oldest started talking back to her mother, grades started to fall and she started hanging out with kids that didnt care if they went to school. The middle child started to isolate herself and began to have nightmares about her parents dying.
Surprisingly her grades didnt suffer. The youngest child cried at the drop of a hat, she just wanted her dad and couldnt understand why she didnt get to see him that often. The three children blamed their mother for everything and took all of their misplaced anger out on her. Because of Lilly's financial dilemma, she was not able to afford she and the children counseling.
Ron was becoming more and more delinquent in sending alimony and child support for his family. Lilly was still trying to maintain being a stay at home mom although she realized the inevitable, she was not emotionally ready to go out in the work force. One and one half years after the divorce, Lilly was forced to become apart of the working class single moms of the world, Lilly got a job as a first grade teacher. This was an adjustment for the children, because they had depended on their mom for everything.
Because Lilly was not able to be there for the children, Ron was forced to be more responsible for the care of the children. Ron shared in the daily dropping off and picking up the children. This also gave the children, the opportunity to spend extra time with their father, something that was missing in their life. Lilly and Ron began to work together with raising the children and the entire family started to receive counseling. The children began to accept the two households as well as their parents significant others. Lilly and Ron have learned to work together in rating their family although it is not always easy.
The breakdown of a family affects the entire family in many ways that is not noticed, but develops over a period of time. Children many times go through life believing that there was something they did to cause the break up of their parents, and always hope that their parents will get back together. Rons children felt neglected by him, unloved as well as feeling guilty about there parents breakup. Because Lilly's was not given an opportunity to work on their problems and improve communication, her self-esteem went completely down. Ron felt bad, but was feeling very relieved that he made the decision to leave. Divorce can be liberating, depressing, frustrating, or traumatic to any person who experiences it.
Perhaps the most painful part on the process of divorce is when the children are involved and when they are made to choose sides. Ron and Lilly minimized the trauma in their childrens lifes, by agreeing on where the children would live. Although the children experienced changes and went through periods of fear of not knowing what was going to happen. Today the children appear to be functioning very well and are doing well in school. If parents cant be caring, loving and respectful of each other, then they shouldnt stay together. Children learn from their parents, how relationships should be conducted and will handle their relationships as they see their parents.
Since Ron and Lilly's divorce, their communication is better now then it was when they were married. The children witness their parents genuine concern for each another and most importantly for them. Ron, Lilly and the children appear to have taken the steps for survival during the process of the divorce, but as issues arise it is important that they are dealt with. It is important to think of the children when divorce takes place. Finances should be resolved and if a parent should have to experience the lack of finances, it should not be the parent that has the children. If a childs economic needs are being met, this may minimize the stress they experience when one parent is absent.
The important thing is not to change the childs stability, and lack of finances will cause an immediate change. Parents whether married or divorce, have a responsibility to secure a childs future, by providing them with the emotional and economic support that is needed for them to become productive individuals of society. Children that come from divorce parents can be just as well rounded as children that come from married parents. This family appears to have adjusted to the change that was brought on by the divorce. As long as the parents continue to work together, and do what is in the best interest of the children, they will continue to survive.
The girls are now teenagers and their father has a close relationship with them. Contact with their father is very important at this age, because girls have a tendency to seek negative attention from boys. This is usually because they are trying to fill the emptiness from the lack of relationship with their father. I dont see this happening, at least not for their fathers lack of attention. If there are long term problems that do not surface now, and if it surfaces, it will do so when the children become adults. Hopefully, because of the manner in which the parents have handle the last five years, the children will be equipped to deal with the problems through counseling.
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