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Example research essay topic: Pieces Of Paper Western Civilization - 1,531 words

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Overwhelming Use Of Staplers In Western Civilization Overwhelming Use Of Staplers In Western Civilization Overwhelming use of Staplers in Western Civilization When you think of how to fasten several pieces of paper together, hanging paintings on walls, or closing those annoying flesh wounds you often find yourself reaching for a Stapler or one of its kinfolk. The Stapler is one of the most often taken for granted instruments of civilization that exists in the world today. There are very few people out in this wide open space we call the planet Earth that fully realize the bonds in which our Staplers toil on a daily basis. Fewer still realize the rich history and culture that is the Staplers existence. Within these pages we will be exploring the fantastic world that is the Stapler and its function in Western Civilization. History of the Stapler The Subjugated Theological Abiotic Postulating Leveraged Ergonomic Repunctuator; commonly referred to as the STAPLER was created by John L.

Stapler on September 3 rd 22 AD. The Stapler was initially held as a fantastically demonic device. And competed on technological levels with Gutenberg's printing press and Gates Microsoft. And philosophical levels with Ovid's Metaphorosis and Georg Here. Although it was created in Boston Mississippi it wasnt manufactured until 57 BCE in Constantinople and wasnt actually used until 1951 AD in Istanbul. The Stapler was originally made out of enchanted wool, but is modernly manufactured out of a Steel base and a Plastic casing, with a compressed coiled spring in the vertex of the apparatus which exerts a precision amount of centrifugal torsion on the re punctuating center.

Simply put when affected with a human stimulus be it ever so slight the supplemental propulsion shaft ejects a minuscule metal projectile into a wood pulp composite solid. What most people dont realize however is that in the heart of every stapler there is still a very small amount of enchanted wool injected into every stapler that rolls off the great assembly lines of the Scottish Highlands where the staplers are collated with the love and affection that only a large man in a skirt can provide. Manufacturing of the Stapler Not a dank, dark, dirty hole, but a [clean, organized staple mine] (Tolkien). Deep in the heart of the Zulu rainforest, lie the staple mines of Africa. Within these hallowed mines, countless Pygmy tribesmen, in native dress, and eternal slavery to the Spanish conquistadors, toil at great danger to life with a possibility of death, just to bring you your precious staples. Few people realize the iron hold which the Spanish have on the staple industry.

Not even the black market staple production companies can surmise a plan to match the quality and availability of the Spanish staples. Each staple is carefully extracted by hand from the surrounding diamond deposits, to ensure that this valuable cargo reaches its final destination in mint condition. Each year, approximately 2, 123, 523, 663, 124. 335 staples are extracted from the African mines. But not without a great cost to human sacrifice. To meet the mighty demands placed upon them by their Spanish conquerors, approximately 284. 673333 pygmies die each year.

These deaths are mostly due to ravage ments by hippopotamuses, metacarpal contusion syndrome, ebola virus, and a very small percentage to the catastrophic and horrible staple explosions. These explosions occur when staples in their natural gaseous form interact with the unpasteurized Pygmy sweat. The staples are then transferred from the mines to the Antarctic minting facility, where they are polarized, vulcanized, and otherwise. From this location, the staplers are transported via galleon, frigate, nuclear submarine, and single-masted longboat to Guam, then to Byzantium, then back to Guam. In Costa Rica, they have mosquitos the size of your head. In Tibet, .

Free Tibet! Anyway, the staples are shrink-wrapped, boxed, then the boxes are shrink-wrapped, and then packed in crates with all those little Styrofoam thingies, then air-dropped to the Botswana distribution facility. How the Stapler has Shaped Western Civilization The Stapler is the oft underplayed emancipator of civilization. It is responsible for both human evolution, Technological innovation, and the Red Sox winning the 1951 AD World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in 7 games.

Yeah that was a good series. Where were we? Oh yeah and also international politics. The Stapler the great United of People, brought together the divided clans of Scotland.

When the Abercrombie clan failed at conferencing the clans into unification William Wallace delivered his famous They can take our lives, but Speech. He held in his right hand a Stapler and upon the climax of his speech clamped it down upon a series of kilts symbolizing the unified field theorem. Many are aware of Einstein theory of Relativity but few realize how long he toiled in the dark dank corners of the German patent offices until the Stapler poised ever so subtly on the corner of his oaken desk gave him the solution. He was actually playing with staples on his desk and suddenly realized that the light bouncing of staples created a refraction index that generated energy exactly and precisely equal to the mass of the staples times the (speed of light) 2. In 1911 AD two lookouts were playing with a Stapler and this caused them to crucially overlook a mean and vicious iceberg that was hurtling toward their position in the North Atlantic. Yes, the sinking of the Titanic caused the deaths of 2500 people but when the hit movie grossed $ 121 Million at the box office in its first weekend we consider it a good investment.

The Staplers Drain on Western Society Of course, the stapler isnt all good. We, as a society, and a culture, and collection of semi-sentient biomass, living in symbiotic compatibility, must realize that to all staplers there is a dark side. If the stapler were ever to fall into the wrong hands, it could very well spell the end of reality as we know it. Such a thing nearly occurred with Napoleon. Fortunately, Waterloo put an end to this tyrants wanton stapler craze.

Not all of the staplers dangers are not so apparent, some are much more insidious. For starters, the advent of the stapler has destroyed peoples basic ability to bind paper. In the days before the stapler mean and women both, and a few eunuchs, would toil for hours just to get a few pieces of paper to stay together. This resulted in many injuries; nasty papercut's. And while this may seem barbaric to us, it made the people hearty and ready to deal with the rigors of their world. Nowadays, as the world has become more name-party, we are afflicted with such things as carpal tunnel syndrome.

The extroverted flexing of the wrist as it presses down upon the propulsion shaft of the stapler is precariously dangerous to the blood vessels and tendons in the wrist. This undo stress would be completely avoided if the stapler had never been invented. Additionally, the overuse of the stapler has destroyed the intrinsic human resistance to this strain. As with just about everything these days, the stapler can be blamed for the growing rate of violence in our school system. The stapler by its very design is a metaphor for violence. The double prongs like vicious teeth, pierce ever-so-easily through parchment or more, with a mere slam of the fist.

Children exposed to such a violent instrument from a very young age grow to believe that violence is acceptable in society. And it is only a matter of time until they start reaching out with their staplers to wreak havoc on people and the world around them. The Dos and Dont Dos of Stapler User Do: Use a Stapler to staple paper Dont: Use a Stapler to pierce your ears or a friends ears. Do: Use a Stapler to hang pictures Dont: Use a Stapler to hang people Do: Use your Stapler with caution Dont: Use your Stapler while Intoxicated or while otherwise under the influence of narcotics Do: Use your Stapler for Good not Evil Dont: Use your Stapler for Evil not Good Conclusion So, in conclusion, since the dawn of time has come and gone, since staplers are always shinier on the other side, and since you cant teach an old dog or any dog for that matter to use a stapler no matter how hard you try, trust me I know, stupid dog, we must find a way to live with the stapler in harmonious existence. For, no matter how much we would like to, the stapler is just not one of those things we can un invent. Marx used to speak of a great class war between those who had staplers and those who had not.

But, in this modern day and age, we can only hope that society has progressed to the point where it has learned to use its staplers in peaceful concordance with the divine right of kings. So, until there is a box of staples in every pot and a stapler in every garage, we will not rest to vindicate justice, an proclaim our message of good, evil, and neutrality. 370


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