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DEATH AND DYING All this time, I thought I was learning to live, when all along, I was learning to die. So said Leonardo da Vinci. We read his words, smile and think to ourselves that they dont really apply to us. Why so? Most Westerners run from even the talk of death.
True, people cry at movies like Terms of Endearment when dying is unrealistically romanticized. They weep at funerals, cheer when the bad guys die on television, and shudder at newspaper accounts of catastrophes, though they soon get over it. But as for the thought of their own death, people avoid discussing it at all cost. People deny death because they are afraid of it. This fear is so deeply ingrained that it keeps us from being fully in the present. It takes attention to hold off death.
People busy themselves so they do not have to think about it. And so they lose contact with present time and present place where wonder and joy -- and not death exist. Facing death squarely means being squarely in the moment. And the ultimate moments are spent with loved ones. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying brought us face-to-face with the fact of death. She explains that people did not have to run; that they could not hide; and instead could approach death with equanimity, even calm (Kubler-Ross.
Elisabeth 1997). Even though this book caused a tremendous stir, only some people listened then. Many societies still see death as a kind of failing or disgrace. So, there are still people who deny or run in terror. At the same time, of course, they do everything possible to prolong life, even when that life is submerged in pain or hopeless senility. My own thoughts of dying stems from my adolescent years.
I was able to take care of my grandma who was diagnosed to have cancer. Moments with her during the last two years of life influenced me so much. It was a joy to serve my Grandma. She would always have a ready smile for me every time I would enter her room. Natural beauty of any sort always brings Grandma to mind. She was continually teaching me to look, see, appreciate, enhance.
I do not know if this was because she knew she was dying, but she had a love for beautiful things. I would always remember that being with Grandma regularly made me more aware of the little things and nuances in our expressions that spell real love for each other. The diagnosis of my Grandma as having cancer of the breast came as a shock to all of us. Her doctor told us that because of a law, he had to give her a brochure, which listed her options for treatment.
His recommendation was an operation. I was there when he told my grandma in a cruelly blunt way, thats the only operation I do, take it or leave it. I saw Grandmas tears fall down her cheeks. Death punched me right there and brought a thug in my heart. I thought the remark was rude and cruel.
When we finally brought her home, she turned to me and said, My dear, we all get to go through this. It just happens that I know when mine is going to occur. I think I have a pretty balanced view of death because of how Grandma exemplified it in her own last few years. Before she passed away, we had a lot of beautiful times together. One occasion that struck my young mind then was one Saturday evening when everyone was all asleep and I saw her thinking pensively as she drank hot milk. She bade me to join her.
As I was seated with my own glass of cold skim milk, I saw her reach for a pen in her Bible flap cover. She began drawing two candles on a piece of paper. She looked at me with earnest eyes and said, Look at these two candles, my darling. The big one signifies your life while the smaller one is my life. My candle is almost spent. It is now small.
It has melted away just as I have spent all the years of my life here on earth. But your candle here stands firm and tall, because you are at the prime of your life. You are lucky to be at this time of your life, surrounded by the people you love the most. Make the most of your time.
Serve people and love them and you will see that you will be happy all the time. More than maturity and strength she has taught me to accept the eventuality of death. It happens to everyone and it is just a matter of time. With that candle example, I feel that death can come slowly as the years melt away or suddenly in a snap of a second, as ones life is snuff out in an instant. Today, attention to the psychological and emotional needs of the dying is a relatively new phenomenon in American Society, particularly for its nonreligious members.
The hospice movement, until recently bitterly criticized as warehousing the dying, or despairing in its attitude, is now seen as the humanitarian effort it has always been. Many health-care professionals, doctors included, have come to realize that taking care of a patient goes beyond looking to his physical comfort, or prolonging his life. Some people even describe the immense mutual benefits of simply being with a dying person, with no agenda and no time constraints just two people coming into the moment. Being with someone who is dying means being stripped of the social niceties that surround the usual interactions (Singh, K). Ram Dass describes the same phenomenon. He has worked with the dying for many years, and has made society more aware of their concerns.
Psychologist Marsha Greenleaf, who counsels the dying both in hospitals and in her office, writes of the vital importance of giving the dying their voice, letting them determine the manner and method of their death according to their psychological needs (Dass, R. ). Meanwhile, in cultures in which people live in circular time, they do not fear death. They look upon it as a blessing. In Bali, for example, death is celebrated like births, with equivalent joy and ceremony.
For the Balinese, death is simply part of the continuum of birth, life, death and rebirth. As Voltaire said, After all, it is no more surprising to be born twice than it is to be born once. Prevailing Western medical tradition has seen death as an enemy to be fought and overcome. According to Kathleen Dowling Singh, author of The Grace in Dying: How we are transformed spiritually as we die, Singh reveals the transformations that come with dying, using the vocabulary of a growing Western, as well as, Eastern, wisdom. She states that these stages involve the qualities of grace: letting go, radiance, focusing inward, a sense of the sacred, wisdom, intensity, and, in the end, a merging with the Spirit. (Singh, K). She claims that through this intense process, we come to experience at last the reality of our true self, which transcends our finite ego and bodily from which we originated.
Dying is safe. (Singh, K). Perhaps people find it difficult to face death with grace. Underlying this discomfort is the fear and pain surrounding our own death, for we know that it is inevitable. Our discomfort probably comes from our uncertainty about what is in store. At the same time, the more we can directly face the experiences of loss that come into our lives, however unwanted, the better prepared we will be for our own death. If we can feel someone elses physical and / or emotional pain, we will be better able to deal with our own.
We are all in the process of dying. We just dont know when it will happen. Until then, we need to resolve issues and express our love to our loved ones before it is too late. With all the stories and differing perspectives weve learned about death, it still remains the greatest mystery. Death is elusive, inevitable, unfathomable. It is feared as a plunge into the unknown void, yet it is but a natural step in the progression and unfolding of life.
REFERENCES Dass, R. Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying Kubler-Ross. E. (1997). On Death and Dying. First Touchstone Edition 1997. Rockefeller Center, New York.
Singh, K. The Grace in Dying: How we are transformed spiritually as we die. In An Interview with Kathleen Dowling Singh. Accessed 10 Sept 2005 at: web
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