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DECIDING TO MARRY AND/OR DIVORCE The world is changing at an increasingly rapid rate and it seems that hardly anything is standing still. This applies not only to the price of prime commodities but also to basic family relationships. Things are just different in many ways from what they used to be. There are some negatives that are readily apparent today. Economic pressures are acute on many families.
Divorce rates are soaring, as are teenage pregnancies. Drug abuse is a problem, children are running away from home; and once again the city of doom for society and the family is being raised. The family unit of today is changing in response to changes occurring in the larger society. Strains that affect the culture are reflected in strains experienced within the family.
Marriage may be defined as a socially recognized union between two or more people that involves sexual and economic rights and duties. In no society are the choice of marriage partner and the age at first marriage lefty completely to personal preference. Social forces also affect the rate of divorce. This paper looks at the different factors that influences couples decision to marry and / or divorce. It will delve into these factors and see how they relate with each other in these issues.
All around us the sanctity of marriage is fluttering helplessly. Divorce is the standard. More and more it is put into a positive light. For previous generations, marriage was the answer; for this generation, it is definitely the question. The marital team is the underdog, with no cheerleaders on the sidelines and no fans in the stands. Divorce and separation have become a standard feature of the American family landscape.
It is currently estimated that about one-quarter to one-half of all marriages in the United States will eventually end up in divorce. In addition, separations and desertions are multiplying so rapidly they are difficult to count (Anthony, 1974). Statistics indicate a 35 percent increase in the number of divorces since 1962, as well as a steady rise in the divorce rate from 2. 2 per 1, 000 population in 1962 to 4. 6 per 1, 000 population in 1974, with no evidence of a diminishing trend (Kelly and Wallerstein, 1976, p. 19). However, of the nearly one million people who get divorced in the United States every year, four out of five are remarrying (Westoff, 1975). Divorce is a particularly upsetting psycho-social transition because it usually involves multiple, drastic changes in the life space: loss of a significant other, or others, if children are involved; probable economic loss; often a change in the routines of living; often a change in ones home; loss of the role of wife or husband.
An individuals entire life style is thus undercut, and the grief and disorganization may be extreme until a reorganization takes place. Among all the difficult changes, it is a loss in the human environment that is generally experienced as most painful. Many theorists have pointed to this area as the best explanation for the intense distress of the marital separation experience. Divorce often appears to be a decision by one partner forced upon a reluctant mate This may be the perception of outsiders as well as of the separating spouses themselves. However, in the complexity of human interaction, with its circular nature, appearances may be quite deceptive. The impact of the separation experience on the teenager depends on the childs age, sex the quality of his or her environment, prior stresses and, above all, his or her parents ability to handle the crisis.
Since martial separation is not a single event but a long-term process, much will depend on the childs emotional environment prior to the actual separation and the particular role the child held in the total family interaction. The custodial parents practical and emotional adaptation to the crisis and the new responsibilities of the single-parent role will be a crucial variable; in many situations a childs partial loss of one parent is aggravated by the custodial parents emotional and / or physical unavailability. One of the major factors that influences couples are the children who are involved in the process. Major emotions are apt to be intense grief, guilt, anger, and fear of abandonment. The expression of these universal emotions will vary with the age and personality of the child. All children are expected to suffer from transient situational disorders, manifest in sleeping and eating problems, over activity, some developmental regressions and various somatic disorders (Anthony, 1974; Gardner, 1970).
Sometimes, in a desperate attempt to ward off anxiety and please an adult, a teen may assume inappropriate maturity or over compliance. A preoccupation with parental reconciliation is almost always present (Gardner, 1976). If children feel themselves to be emotionally exploited by warring parents, they will in turn fight for their own emotional survival by playing parents against each other. These children are thus forced to develop manipulative and exploitative tendencies as adaptive mechanisms. There is also a tendency among teens to split parents between good and bad figures, with the caretaking disciplining parent receiving all the anger, while the distant parent becomes loved and idealized. The visiting parent may purposefully or unconsciously play into this through a tendency to avoid discipline during his or her contact with the children.
By adolescence, most children have developed enough independent resources to proceed on their own developmental course without major deviation (Anthony, 1974). This was not true for adolescents with a history of long-standing difficulties, whose problematic behavior became exacerbated by the parental turmoil. These latter adolescents were particularly vulnerable to their parents tendencies to cross generational boundaries. Those adolescents who were able and permitted to maintain some emotional distance from the parental crisis, managed best, both in terms of their own developmental needs, and in terms of their eventual relationship to their parents (Anthony, 1974). Cultural factors also contribute to the high U. S.
divorce rate, including a shift in values from a philosophy of self-sacrifice for the good of the family to an emphasis on self-fulfillment, autonomy, personal happiness, and personal growth (Cherlin, 1990). The principal reason for getting married today is to satisfy ones personal and psychological needs through love. Thus, marriage has become more couple-oriented, and less child-oriented. When the partners needs are not met, there is less social and cultural pressure to stay together for the childrens sake.
Kenneth Clark points out, civilization is a product of leisure. When time is plentiful, there is the opportunity to make something beautiful, not just functional, and time to reflect. Companionship between couples is almost always shared during light moments and during leisure time. Lack of leisure time is a major marital problem and running close second is what to do with what you got. But couples need to save enough energy for leisure so that they can have the companionship that is essential.
There are families whose fathers are always exhausted from overwork, propped up in front of the TV, drink in hand, or snoozing on the sofa. Leisure simply becomes a pit stop in the work race. However, there are families with excellent companionship because they enjoy the creative use of discretionary time that enhances their life together. The couple introduced each other to their partners leisure-time activity. They expand their own interest through their spouses enthusiasm and instruction. According to Barbour and Barbour in the book, Families, Schools and Communities: Building Partnerships for Educating Children, there is a positive effect in the use of situation-specific curriculum that is developmentally and culturally appropriate.
It touches on the inclusion of the family and the community as equal partners with the schools in the empowerment of their students. Parents and children usually live together in a family structure, and what happens to individual family members can be related to the family structure. Similarly, changes in the family structure will affect individuals. Given the special challenges on parents and children, it makes sense for students to benefit from integrated and comprehensive opportunities for learning in school, home, community. Their progress in achieving educational outcomes should not depend wholly on their six-hour school day.
The result of these converging trends is that marriage has become deinstitutionalize d. In the past marriage was a lifetime obligation, supported by a web of formal (laws) and informal norms and obligations. Today marriage is more a matter of personal preference, a voluntary relationship that individuals can make or break at will (Poponoie, 1990, p. 43). From that standpoint, what American marriage has lost in stability and permanence, it has gained in personal freedom and flexibility. But as Giddens (1991) suggests, even a strong sense of personal freedom depends on the possibility of fulfilling ones plans in life. Our society makes it easier to find freedom in escape from problematic relationships than in the development of long-term trust.
REFERENCES Anthony, J. (ed). Children at risk from divorce: A review, The child in his family: Children at psychiatric risk. New York: Wiley, 1974. Barbour, N. H. and Nita Barbour (1996).
Families, Schools and Communities: Building Partnerships for Educating Children. Prentice-Hall Career and Technology. Cherlin, A. (1990). Recent Changes in American Fertility, Marriage, and Divorce. Annals of the American Academy of Political and Social Science 510 (July): 145 - 154 (12). Giddens, A. (1990).
The Consequences of Modernity. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press (3). Kelly J. B. and Wallerstein J. S.
The effects of parental divorce: Experience of the child in early latency. American Journal of Orhtopsychiatry 1976, 46 (1), 20 - 32 (a) Poponoie, D. (1990) Family decline in America. In D. Blakenhorn, S.
Base. J. B. Elshtain, eds. Rebuilding the Nest: A New Commitment to the American Family, (Chapter 3 pp. 39 - 51).
Westoff, L. Two-time winner. The New York Times Magazine, August 10, 1975.
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