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... nts, such as headaches and stomachaches. They try to immerse themselves in activities to offset their feelings of powerlessness. The most distinguishing reaction for a significant percentage of nine-to-twelve-year-olds, however, is their intense anger that they direct at one or both parents, usually whomever they blame for the divorce. Children at this age reason that their parents could reconcile their differences if they tried hard enough and bitterly accuse their parents of selfishness and indifference to their They are also easily pulled into a bitter and open alliance with one parent against the other.
By doing this they feel needed, important, and powerful. However, most of these children grow to eventually resent the parent they align Many parents are suprised to find out just how deeply their teens are affected by divorce. Adolescents tend to react with a deep sense of loss, grief, anger, feelings of emptiness, difficulty concentrating, and chronic fatigue (Clapp, 104). They also start to worry about their future and some become put off with the idea of marriage.
They come to associate marriage with pain. Divorce affects teens differently. Some become mature, insightful and empathetic. Some abandon friends, interests, and activities. While others express their distress, anger, and internal conflicts in potentially harmful ways: promiscuity, alcohol, drugs, or delinquent activities.
Many adolescents cope with their parents' divorces by distancing themselves from the crisis at home and looking for support on the outside - from peers, parents of friends, teachers, and so forth. Unless this outside support is detrimental, this distancing usually helps teens cope successfully with the divorce, and most become re involved with the family once the turmoil is ended Most children do adjust successfully to their parents' divorce, but a statistically significant minority develop long term problems (Clapp, 106). Why do these children have long term problems? Why are these problems sometimes worse several years after the divorce than they were during the divorce itself? The answer is that some families do not regain their equilibrium after divorce but become stalled in a chronic state of stress, instability, and transition. According to Drs.
Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly, who conducted a ten year study of children of divorce, if children are deprived of one of their parents, or if their parents quarrel and compete, children tend to have lower self-esteem. Psychological damage often occurs, and children may develop such serious symptoms as anxiety, depression, regression, sleep disturbances including sleep walking and nightmares, asthma, allergies, bedwetting, tantrums, and tics. They may grind their teeth, vomit, become clinging or overaggressive, begin daydreaming, or withdraw from relationships. Overeating or loss of appetite, poor school performance, delinquent behavior, self-destructive behavior, alcohol or drug abuse, frequent crying or absence of emotion, and difficulty in communication feelings are other symptoms (Bienenfeld, 4). Professional counseling should be sought for these long term symptoms. Even when parents are upset and in pain themselves, it is essential that they consider their children.
Children should not be kept waiting until their parents finally get their lives together. They need at least a tolerable situation in which the can recover from the divorce. Children need coping with divorce. They take it very hard. They, go through a classical mourning process after divorce, much as if someone close to them has died. First they experience disbelief; then anxiety, anger, sadness, and depression; and eventually, if given reassurance, acceptance of the divorce and healing.
This process can take up to a year or longer. To recover, feel secure, and succeed they need to be told, to believe, and to feel that their mother and father both love them and have every intention of continuing to take care of them, even though they will now live apart (8). No matter what has gone on between parents, children have a strong need to look up to and have a good relationship with each of them. They need frequent and ongoing interaction with both parents. This can make a child feel secure and prevent feelings of rejection and abandonment. Most of all, children need parental cooperation after divorce.
They need parents who are willing to work together. According to Dr. Bienenfeld, parents 1. Stop blaming the other parent or yourself for what happened in the past.
Realize that the past is behind you and cannot 2. Realize that your child needs two parents. Be willing to share your child with the other parent. 3. In your discussions with the other parent, stick to issues 4.
Stay focused on your child's needs today and from now on. 5. Work together with the other parent to provide your child with as safe and as conflict-free an environment as possible 6. Make every effort to be civil to your former spouse, and defuse tension and animosity so that your child can have a peaceful and satisfying life (9). It is an act of love and caring and a sign of strength for a parent to seek appropriate assistance for themselves or their children. Many couples believe that is better for the children if they stay together instead of divorcing.
They question themselves, "should we stay together for the sake of the children?" Is there an answer to this question? According to Dr. Clapp (108) the following findings may help with the answer. -- Children from conflict-ridden homes have more adjustment and behavior problems than do children from conflict-free homes. -- Parental conflict is more damaging to children the longer it continues, the more it is openly hostile, and the more it focuses -- Children from conflict-free single-parent families are usually adjusted than children from discordant intact families. -- Continued parental conflict is more damaging to children who gone through parental divorce than for children who remain in These findings have led a large number of researchers and mental health professionals to conclude that divorce may provide a better environment for children when their alternative is living in a conflict-ridden intact family. The catch, however, is that the conflict must end with the divorce, or the children are likely to be worse off. This conclusion also assumes that the post divorce family will not continue in a chronic state of stress and tension.
Difficult as a divorce is for parents, it is truly devastating for children, since they are completely dependent on their parents. Often, they do not know what is happening, and the guessing and uncertainty create traumas that may surface and demand attention much later in life. Many children never get to voice their pain, anger, and frustration in the way their parents do. As result, they tend to feel extremely helpless, isolated, and confused. Still, children are remarkably resilient.
Although they experience great pain and feelings of loss, most children can and will recover if their parents allow them to heal. Bienenfeld, Florence PhD. Helping Your Child through Your Divorce. California: Clapp, Genevieve Phd. Divorce and New Beginnings: An authoritative guide to recovery and growth, solo parenting, and step families. New York: Franke, L.
B. Growing Up Divorced. New York: Linden Press, 1983. Kate, Neil.
Growing Up With Divorce. New York: Macmillan, 1990. Krementz, J. How it Feels when your Parents Divorce. New York: Alfred A. Wallerstein, J.
S. and Kelly, J. B. Surviving the Breakup. New York: Basic Books, Bibliography:
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Research essay sample on Feel Secure Long Term
